As if the British summer weren't already a sufficient endurance test of damp disappointment, El Niño has officially arrived to crank the global thermostat up to 'well-done', promising to melt the ice caps while we squabble about banning teenagers from TikTok. In a truly dazzling display of optimism, Snap is flogging augmented reality spectacles for nearly two grand, presumably so we can view the unfolding climate catastrophe through a soothing Xanax-filter. Meanwhile, the River Thames is busy turning into a microplastic soup, our flood defences are waving the white flag, and the only ones truly winning are the red squirrels, who have apparently mastered CCTV surveillance to protect their dwindling property prices.
El Niño Climate Event Sparks Global Heatwave Fears
UK Social Media Ban for Under-16s Looms
Nature Reserves and Rivers Face Environmental Decline
Joyous Arabic Pop
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Intro]
[Oud and Synthesiser intro with darbuka rhythm]
[Verse 1]
The U.S. scientists have rung the bell
El Niño's here and it's going to swell
We're breaking records in the heat
While Hampshire drowns beneath the sheet
The sea defences fall apart
A disaster for the natural heart
The ice is melting fast and free
Just like our grip on sanity
[Chorus]
So drop your worries, raise a glass
Watch the water levels rise en masse
From the Thames to the distant shore
We've never been this hot before
Oh, swim with me in microplastics
Future's bright and it's fantastic
The world is warming, drums are beating
Everyone is toe-tapping, swaying, retreating
[Verse 2]
[Darbuka rhythm intensifies]
Snap has glasses made of gold
Two thousand pounds for lies they've sold
While teenagers face the ban hammer
No more scrolling, what a glamour
By twenty-twenty-seven, kids
You'll have to talk, god forbid
But volunteers with C.C.T.V.
Are saving squirrels in the oak tree
[Pre-Chorus]
Rocket engines turning green
The oddest shift that I have seen
But here we choke on plastic dust
While technology betrays our trust
[Chorus]
So drop your worries, raise a glass
Watch the water levels rise en masse
From the Thames to the distant shore
We've never been this hot before
Oh, swim with me in microplastics
Future's bright and it's fantastic
The world is warming, drums are beating
Everyone is toe-tapping, swaying, retreating
[Bridge]
[Violin flourish]
The wetland insects wave goodbye
The infrastructure's bone dry
But look at all this sunny weather
Couldn't be better, no no never
SpaceX alumni have the cure
Your pocket-change helps, I am sure
[Guitar Solo]
[Electric Guitar solo in Hijaz scale]
[Chorus]
So drop your worries, raise a glass
Watch the water levels rise en masse
From the Thames to the distant shore
We've never been this hot before
Oh, swim with me in microplastics
Future's bright and it's fantastic
The world is warming, drums are beating
Everyone is toe-tapping, swaying, retreating
[Outro]
[Synthesiser fades]
It's getting hot in here
Hampshire's underwater, dear
El Niño's singing loud and clear
Happy summer, have no fear
[Laughter]