Bonnie Tyler emerges from her coma, proving that like her anthem, she is indeed holding out for a hero—presumably one with a functioning credit card, unlike poor Olivia Rodrigo who found herself trapped in Wales forced to survive on nothing but sausage rolls. It’s been a grim Monday elsewhere, with a pensioner allegedly using the Christmas spirit to suffocate a neighbour, while a grieving family waits four years for an inquest that moves slower than a bin lorry ignoring your overflowing wheelie bin. To top it off, a heat dome is rolling in, but don't sweat it—Prince George looked 'striking' in his suit, so at least the apocalypse will be well-dressed.
Bonnie Tyler health update after coma
Olivia Rodrigo Wales sausage rolls ordeal
North Wales heat dome weather forecast
Spiteful Valley Dub-Punk
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Intro]
[Sound of bin lorry hydraulics and distant shouting]
[Heavy bassline enters, ominous and grinding]
[Spoken] Yeah... it's all going pear-shaped, isn't it?
[Verse 1]
Bonnie's fading in a hospital bed
The Total Eclipse is inside her head
They cut her open to fix the rot
While the rest of the town goes to pot
She's very unwell, or so they say
Just another victim of the U.K. decay
[Delay intensifies] Another victim... another victim...
[Verse 2]
Little Miss American credit card fraud
Can't buy a sausage roll to please her lord
Staring at the machine like it's broken her heart
Welcome to Wales, love, it's back to the start
Livin' on Greggs in a foreign town
The plastic won't work when the signal is down
[Spoken] Useless.
[Chorus]
It's a total eclipse of the heart, isn't it?
A total eclipse of the Hart!
[Bellowing] Yeah, we're sitting on the problem until it stops breathing!
Sitting on the problem until it stops breathing!
[Verse 3]
Christmas Day and Harold's gone cold
A neighbour sat down, or so I am told
Recorded his last words right there on the phone
Then sat on his chest 'til the spirit had flown
Just next door, in the festive light
We're recording the death for the website
[Spoken] Merry Christmas, Harold.
[Bridge]
Four years waiting for a baby's truth
While a binman shouts at the careless youth
[Brass Section stabs]
Put your bins out right!
[Spoken] You won't though.
Recycle the plastic, recycle the lies!
No answers coming from stone-grey skies!
[Guitar Solo - Electric Sitar with heavy reverb]
[Bass breakdown]
[Verse 4]
Down in Rhyl, they're building a pad
An indoor playground for dogs gone mad
Because the outdoors isn't safe anymore
Lock up your pets behind the doggy door
Forty degrees on the continent's way
A heat dome coming to ruin the day
The world is melting, but look at the King!
[Chorus]
It's a total eclipse of the heart, isn't it?
A total eclipse of the Hart!
[Bellowing] Yeah, we're sitting on the problem until it stops breathing!
Sitting on the problem until it stops breathing!
[Outro]
Prince George looks striking, they say
[Spoken] Striking maturity.
While the rest of us rot in the queue for the tray
[Sound of bin lorry reversing beeper]
Total eclipse.
[Feedback fades]