California has finally achieved the impossible: a gubernatorial race between a Trump sycophant and the current Attorney General, proving that the state’s political imagination is as arid as its drought-stricken landscape. Elsewhere, the tragic absurdity of American life continues apace, with a young athlete felled by a lacrosse ball and Nick Reiner attempting to liquidate his inheritance to dodge a murder rap—truly the American Dream inverted. Over in the Senate races, Fetterman is tossing baggage overboard while prosecutors desperately try to convince grand juries that protesting is a crime worthy of indictment. At least Caitlin Clark is releasing a shoe; someone needs to help us all run away from this unfolding omnishambles.
Trump-Endorsed Steve Hilton Wins California Primary
Fetterman Rejects Maine Senate Candidate Platner
Lacrosse Tragedy and Reiner Murder Trial Drama
Spiteful Orchestricular Boom Bap
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Intro]
[Harpsichord arpeggios over military snare rolls]
[Orchestral swell]
[Spoken]
Check the tags, darling.
Heavy, isn't it?
[Verse 1]
[Boom bap beat kicks in with distorted baroque guitar]
Another Tuesday, another fractured state
California dreaming turns to delegate debate
Xavier Becerra standing centre-left and straight
While British-born Hilton arrives to seal the fate
A Goldman Sachs injection, a Golden State infection
Narrowly defeated Steyer in the primary selection
Now Trump extends the brand across the ocean spray
While Sacramento wonders what the English have to say
[Chorus]
[Operatic baritone, full string section]
They call it baggage when the skeletons come out to play
They call it baggage when the website secrets have their day
Heavy is the headline that the candidate must bear
Toss it on the carousel, pretend it isn't there
[Timpani rolls]
[Verse 2]
[Spoken word return, harpsichord accents]
Up in Maine, the circus finds a different kind of ring
Paul LePage returns to hear the nasty accents sing
The incendiary former governor, a study in restraint
Now running for the House, a portrait faintly quaint
Meanwhile Graham Platner finds himself in digital disgrace
The online scandals glowing on each laptop face
Senator Fetterman declares him damaged goods, a weight
The Democratic Senate hopes are circling drain and fate
[Chorus]
[Operatic baritone, full string section with aggressive stabs]
They call it baggage when the skeletons come out to play
They call it baggage when the website secrets have their day
Heavy is the headline that the candidate must bear
Toss it on the carousel, pretend it isn't there
[Bridge]
[Music breaks down to raw hip-hop percussion and sub-bass]
[Spoken with increasing intensity]
Now young Eliot Abramson lies beneath the Washington pine
A lacrosse stick caught his neck and crossed the final line
Seventeen and celebrated, now a second loss in turn
While Chicago prosecutors watch the protest movements burn
Grand juries pushing hard against the I.C.E. dissent
The administration cracking down on what the First meant
Kalshi wants your employer data, wants to check the trades
Insider trading allegations in the financial shades
[Verse 3]
[Orchestration returns with 8-string electric guitar riff]
But nothing quite compares to privilege with a knife
The filmmaker's son who wanted more than juste a life
Rob Reiner's offspring fighting for a trust fund release
To bankroll his defence, to make the charges cease
A million and a half to fight the patricide account
While mum and dad lie silent in the final amount
The American dream curdles in the summer heat
Where money talks and murder walks on easy street
[Chorus]
[Operatic baritone, full orchestration]
They call it baggage when the skeletons come out to play
They call it baggage when the website secrets have their day
Heavy is the headline that the candidate must bear
Toss it on the carousel, pretend it isn't there
[Outro]
[Orchestra fades to solitary harpsichord]
[Spoken]
Claim your baggage at the carousel.
It's the only thing that arrives on time.
[Final timpani hit]