Prime Minister Starmer has apparently found his true calling: protecting the nation’s youth from the twin scourges of nudity and social media, presumably before they stumble upon the actual news. While the government busily installs digital blindfolds on teenagers, the rest of the adult population is left navigating a world where ‘baby batter’ arrives via Royal Mail and free speech is as negotiable as a politician’s promise. It’s a brave new Britain, where your sperm donor sends passata, your phone is a chastity belt, and your civil liberties are being curated by the same people who brought you the Australia-style ban on fun.
Starmer announces phone bans for children
Illegal sperm donor services investigation
Nottingham attacks inquiry miscarriage of justice
Indifferent Requiem
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
The Prime Minister, in his mercy, speaks
Of digital sins for the meek and the weak
Command the Titans of silicone might
To turn off the sun and to block out the light
The phones of the children are scrubbed and rinsed clean
A sanitised world for the screen-age teen
While the adults, untouched by this holy decree
Run feral and wild in a land of the free
[Chorus]
[Boys' Choir]
Dona eis requiem
[Baritone]
But spare us the thought
For the safety of children is easily bought
Dona eis requiem
A bureaucratic dream
To stifle the panic and silence the scream
[Verse 2]
A package arrives by the Royal Mail post
A biological bargain, a virtual ghost
One hundred pounds sterling secures the batter
Delivered in brown paper, little else matters
A carton of passata sits there by the side
A DIY kit for the reproductive ride
While the government scrubs every pixel and thought
This back-alley biology cannot be caught
[Verse 3]
And Voltaire, it seems, is a negotiable man
In the corridors of power, they do what they can
The speech that was free has a price and a cost
In the discourse of nations, the truth is just lost
From Nottingham's sorrow to Dubai's violent crew
The analog world remains brutally new
A twenty-four year sentence, a legal decree
But the sperm donor walks to the post office free
[Bridge]
[Timpani roll]
[Spoken]
They speak of protection. They speak of the children.
They speak of values that crumble to dust.
[Pipe Organ swell]
But the postman is coming. The package is waiting.
And the screen is as clean as the conscience of... no one.
[Chorus]
[Boys' Choir]
Dona eis requiem
[Baritone]
In a digital tomb
We seal up the youths in a sterile womb
Dona eis requiem
The state knows best
Put the danger in the post and put the child to rest
[Outro]
[Boys' Choir humming]
Sanitize... Sanitize...
[Baritone]
Win the World Cup. Watch the television.
Ignore the chaos. That is the revision.
[Final chord]
Amen.