Scientists at the University of Sydney have finally solved the mystery of the 3am kebab, discovering that alcohol rather predictably makes one crave ultra-processed slop—a revelation surely worth the research grant. Elsewhere, a shark off Western Australia and a gunman in Toledo both went about their lethal business with grim efficiency, reminding us that nature and humanity are equally dreadful when provoked. On a lighter note, Kyra Sedgwick is chuffed about her ancestors, the Kennedy Center lost a legal tiff over naming rights, and a horse ran fast in a circle, because apparently, we still find that riveting.
Alcohol Research Links Drinking to Food Cravings
Fatal Shark Attack in Western Australia Waters
Kennedy Center Ruling in Trump Naming Dispute
Forlorn Chamber Pop Nocturne
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
The scientists in Sydney town have solved a riddle deep
They've found the reason hungry sheep have trouble getting sleep
A hormone surges through the veins when ale begins to flow
And sends the drunken soul in search of pizza, chips, and dough
It isn't just a lack of will or moral failing then
That guides us to the kebab shop again and yet again
Our biology betrays us as the laboratories prove
With public funds they've verified what we already knew
[Chorus]
Oh, the midnight buffet calls us on
Through the tragic and the forlorn
While somewhere in the western sea
The shadows fall eternally
And Toledo's streets run red with pain
We search for snacks in midst of rain
The Hormone made me do it, dear
Now pass the sauce and pull me near
[Verse 2]
A spearfisherman lost his life to fifteen feet of grey
The third poor soul this month alone the ocean's claimed as prey
While Ohio's summer festival saw violence intervene
A shooting near the popcorn stand upon the village green
And Golden Tempo crossed the line to triumph on the track
While Haiti's footballers prepare for glory they have lacked
The world destroys and builds again in equal measure's sway
But all the senators can do is watch it fade away
[Verse 3]
Two Republicans are wringing hands about the intelligence gap
They fear the government might lose the power in its lap
To peer through every window and to read every private thought
If surveillance powers should expire as legislation ought
Meanwhile the immigrants remain in legal purgatory
A judge gives hope but offers up no timeline for the story
The Kennedy Centre lost its fight against a musician's claim
Who wouldn't play beneath the name that now adorns its fame
[Bridge]
A playground rises for the children who need special care
The Gaudreaus build a monument to love and to repair
And Kyra finds her ancestor's signed name upon the page
A moment in a history that doesn't scream with rage
But these are fleeting instances of light against the dark
While politicians practise for their patriotic arc
[Chorus]
Oh, the midnight buffet calls us on
Through the tragic and the forlorn
While somewhere in the western sea
The shadows fall eternally
And Toledo's streets run red with pain
We search for snacks in midst of rain
The Hormone made me do it, dear
Now pass the chips and pull me near
[Outro]
[String quartet swells]
So raise your glass and bless the science that explains your fall from grace
Celesta tinkles lightly as the hormones set the pace
[Final piano chord fades]