One cannot help but admire the sheer audacity of a man bypassing security with a forged boarding pass, proving that the only thing more porous than airport screening is the administration’s grip on ethics. While the Secret Service offers a masterclass in negligence and the F.B.I. purges analysts for noticing extremism, the rest of us are left wondering if the real conspiracy is paying $150 for Popeyes in the Hamptons. Between Ebola outbreaks and drone strikes in the Strait of Hormuz, it seems the apocalypse has finally secured its boarding pass, and we’re all just waiting at the gate for a flight that’s been indefinitely cancelled.
United States Secret Service negligence lawsuit
F.B.I. analyst firings political controversy
Popeyes Surf Lodge Hamptons partnership
Intimate Jazz Fusion
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
đź“ś Lyrics đź“ś
[Intro]
[Soprano Saxophone solo over brushed drums and fretless bass]
[Verse 1]
A man in Houston walked onto a plane
With a boarding pass he'd clearly forged himself
The Secret Service sued for failures back in Butler
While the F.B.I. cleared shelves
Of analysts who noticed certain patterns in the pews
Turns out the memo wasn't welcome news
[Verse 2]
The Justice Department found eighteen hundred million
For those who claim they're persecuted now
While Iran sends drones across the Strait of Hormuz
And I'm wondering how
We got so good at looking sideways at the truth
While the international dial spins loose
[Spoken] Just a steady simmer, mind. Nothing to worry about.
[Chorus]
It's a boarding pass to nowhere
A first-class seat on flights of fantasy
Where fiscal responsibility's a game for those
Without a direct line to authority
Yeah, the cabin pressure's dropping
But the drinks are still complimentary
[Rhodes Piano Solo]
[Verse 3]
The Hamptons solved wealth disparity at last
With Popeyes chicken in a hundred-fifty-dollar stack
A tender tower reaching toward the heavens
There's your capitalism right on track
While the C.D.C. predicts Ebola's climbing towards the stars
And California plays its governor race cards
[Bridge]
From Bolivia's streets to Maine's scandal-plagued campaigns
We oscillate between the trivial and the existential strains
Condemning coups we'd probably orchestrate ourselves
If the geopolitical wind direction changed
[Soprano Saxophone Solo]
[Chorus]
It's a boarding pass to nowhere
A first-class seat on flights of fantasy
Where fiscal responsibility's a game for those
Without a direct line to authority
Yeah, the cabin pressure's dropping
But the drinks are still complimentary
[Outro]
[Fretless Bass glissando]
[Whispered] Keep your seatbelt fastened
We're experiencing some turbulence
[Spoken] Indefinitely.