In a world where a West Virginia recruit celebrates his scholarship by immolating a sofa to the tune of John Denver, one begins to understand the unique educational priorities of the colonies. Meanwhile, the skies have become a theatre of airborne pugilism, proving that Frontier Airlines offers nothing frontier-like except the distinct possibility of being throttled at 30,000 feet. On terra firma, the romantic arts have devolved into sending unsolicited nudes to employers, whilst the political class busies itself dismantling democracy via obscure slush funds and executive orders. It is a thoroughly depressing spectacle, redeemed only by the fact that Russell Wilson has finally retired, sparing us all further mid-week documentaries on his leadership qualities.
West Virginia Football Recruit Burns Couch
Frontier Airlines Passenger Tackled Mid-Flight
Trump Executive Order Federal Worker Protections
Sultry Sophisti-Funk Nocturne
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
The couch is burning in the West Virginia hills
Some undergraduate with a book of matches and a lack of skills
He torched the furniture to John Denver's gentle tune
A funeral pyre beneath a harvest moon
And over at the N.B.A., the numbers didn't stack
So they just invented new statistics, pulled them from a sack
The viewership is climbing, that's the official line
Though nobody you know has watched a game since twenty-nine
[Chorus]
These are the friendly skies, my friend
Where passengers brawl and the nightmare never ends
Tackle the man who's reaching for the door
We're thirty thousand feet above the bathroom floor
No drinks cart coming down this narrow aisle
Just desperation in a singular style
These are the friendly skies
[Verse 2]
The President is signing orders with a fountain pen
Stripping protections from the worker bees, again
A legal fund keeps growing for the loyal and the sued
Bankrolling justice for the privileged few
And up in Louisiana, in the detention sheds
They're breaking bodies and they're breaking heads
But the Supreme Court's turning slowly away
From anything that might spoil the day
[Bridge]
A birthday gift sent from a spiteful ex
A photograph that wasn't meant to leave the bedroom, that's clear
Now he's wearing handcuffs and a legal hex
The wanker's finally facing what he ought to fear
[Verse 3]
Russell Wilson threw his final pass today
Announced retirement and gracefully walked away
Fourteen seasons in the books, he made his choice
While outside the stadium, we're losing voice
The Voting Rights Act's being dismantled piece by piece
The map is redrawn where the voting power's leased
But at least the couch has burned itself to grey
Ashes to ashes, as they say
[Chorus]
These are the friendly skies, my friend
Where passengers brawl and the nightmare never ends
Tackle the man who's reaching for the door
We're thirty thousand feet above the bathroom floor
No drinks cart coming down this narrow aisle
Just desperation in a singular style
These are the friendly skies
[Outro]
Just turbulence and deep regret
The finest flight you'll never forget
Fasten your seatbelt tight
We're going down into the night
[Fade out]