Nicola Sturgeon is performing an impressive solo rendition of 'I Will Survive' on the BBC, though the SNP embezzlement scandal provides a somewhat heavier backing track than she'd like. Wes Streeting is frantically paddling away from the good ship Starmer towards the oily promise of the North Sea, presumably having calculated that fossil fuels are a safer bet than the current Cabinet. Meanwhile, the British public are divided between weeping over the restorative power of nature and cheering for a 'killer fungus'—proving we'll celebrate anything that solves a problem, provided it isn't immigration. On the bright side, the Beatles are back to save us from cultural oblivion, offering a comforting reminder that the only things truly immortal are Paul McCartney and the British tendency to panic about demographics.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Instrumental Intro - Sarangi and Bamboo Flute]
[Verse 1]
The former leader weeps upon the screen
So sincere, so practiced, so serene
She claims she serves a sentence undeserved
While lawyers circle round what she preserved
The public trust lies scattered on the floor
She swears she's innocent, and nothing more
[Instrumental Interlude - Tabla]
[Verse 2]
The health secretary smells blood today
He reads the polls and looks the other way
Drill the North Sea, cut the tax for votes
Let principles dissolve like sugar boats
The leader fades, the vultures start to circle
And cannibalism wears a friendly purple
[Chorus]
Oh, the gates are locked, my friends
The gates are locked
Nature heals, they tell us so
But only if you're able to go
Oh, the gates are locked, my friends
Padlocked tight
The wild waits beyond the steel
But we are kept from what we feel
[Instrumental Interlude - Sarangi Solo]
[Verse 3]
The billionaire and the senator agree
The birthrate is a dire emergency
Make more babies for the nation's sake
Ignore the ones who cross the border lake
The winter comes, the numbers start to fade
But immigrants could fill the gap they made
[Verse 4]
The killer fungus saves us from the moss
A hero born of catastrophic loss
While wheelchair users stuck outside the park
Find nature guarded like a vault in dark
The healing green lies just beyond the chain
But accessibility is rust and pain
[Chorus]
Oh, the gates are locked, my friends
The gates are locked
Nature heals, they tell us so
But only if you're able to go
Oh, the gates are locked, my friends
Padlocked tight
The wild waits beyond the steel
But we are kept from what we feel
[Bridge - Swarmandal and Bamboo Flute]
And four new films will document the past
Of four young men whose melodies would last
A distraction from the museum shop's new wares
Where bikinis hang beside the teddy bears
We buy the merchandise to feel complete
And wait for history to gently repeat
[Verse 5]
The gift shop sells us cat bowls for our shelves
While politicians serve no one but themselves
And nature wraps her healing arms around
The ones who somehow haven't yet been found
By those who hold the keys and count the cost
Of every gate and every soul they've lost
[Outro]
The gates are locked
The gates are locked
[Spoken] And none shall pass.
[Instrumental Fade - Sarangi]