As NASA prepares hopping drones for a lunar escape, one can’t help but admire the timing; western Europe is busy smashing temperature records, rendering Earth roughly as hospitable as a blast furnace. Back in Blighty, we’re keeping the colonial spirit alive by shooting protected birds and dumping waste in ‘super sites’, proving that if we can’t govern a planet, we’re damn well going to trash it before we leave. Still, at least the Chinese are keeping their AI geniuses at home, perhaps sparing them the sight of British festival-goers attempting to look cool while eating custard apples in a heat dome. It’s all looking positively apocalyptic, but look on the bright side: at least the porn barons finally worked out how to ask for an ID.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
NASA's building gym equipment for outer space
Zero-gravity treadmills for the leaving race
We're planning a permanent base upon the Moon
And we aim to leave this planet pretty soon
But Europe's trapped beneath a dome of searing heat
Smashing temperature records on this tired street
I suppose it helps to rationalise the flight
When the atmosphere is setting us alight
[Chorus]
It's the exit strategy, the final plan
Getting off this continent while still we can
The air-con's broken and the fan just whirs
The exit strategy, preferred by sirs
We'll need peak cardiovascular health
To leave the planet by quiet stealth
The exit strategy looks good to me
Just one small problem — there's no seat for we
[Verse 2]
China's hoarding all the AI talent now
Writing code the rest of us can't allow
While Beijing programs what the future holds
We're sweating in the present, or so I'm told
Try finding air conditioning anywhere
While algorithms vanish into Eastern air
If the future's digital, we'll merely watch
From this baking island, this overheated crotch
[Verse 3]
Back home the raptors keep on dying out
Protected birds shot, trapped, and poisoned about
On land maintained for gentlemen who shoot
The countryside is trampled underfoot
While thirty waste super-sites sit and fester
A toxic, illegal, noxious protester
We treat our green and pleasant land just like
A toddler treats a highchair — what a hike
[Bridge]
A porn company was fined six hundred grand
For failing age checks on their naked brand
It proves the only thing that's hard to do
Is get past British regulators — who knew?
And the custard apple's rising in appeal
A fruit that tastes like pudding — that's for real
I guess we've all stopped cooking in this heat
Surrendered to the sugar and the sweet
[Chorus]
It's the exit strategy, the final plan
Getting off this continent while still we can
The air-con's broken and the fan just whirs
The exit strategy, preferred by sirs
We'll need peak cardiovascular health
To leave the planet by quiet stealth
The exit strategy looks good to me
Just one small problem — there's no seat for we
[Outro]
Pass the gin...
The ice has melted...
It's quite a view...
From the waiting room...