Conservatives are terribly upset that their chatbots lean left, presumably preferring an AI that simply nods sagely while suggesting tax cuts for the wealthy. The Knicks have finally remembered how to play basketball, sending New York into a right old tizzy, whilst James Harden engages in the kind of delusional denial usually reserved for politicians insisting they've got a grip on justice. Speaking of which, the government is busy perverting the course of it, the Pope is begging robots to play nicely, and a homesteading mother is battling a data centre the size of a small county. At least Ozempic might stop us all dying of cancer, which is jolly decent of it, assuming the Iranians don't nuke us first while we hash out another perfectly inadequate diplomatic accord.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Intro]
[Analogue synthesiser swell, motorik beat establishes]
[Verse 1]
The right-wing press is up in arms today
The chatbots have gone rogue, or so they say
They fed the machine the entire internet
And now they're shocked at what the kettle's met
It seems a diet of the sum of human thought
Produces something that cannot be bought
A tendency towards a centre view
Which simply will not do, which simply will not do
[Chorus]
The algorithm knows you better than you know yourself
It scans your data, puts your biases upon the shelf
But bias is a human trait we cannot quite erase
So now we blame the mirror for the problems we embrace
[Verse 2]
His Holiness has sent a pleading note
To tech billionaires in camel-hair coats
"Please slow it down," the Pontiff gently begs
While three seats down, a venture capitalist legs
Are already running towards the I.P.O.
The Vatican moves fast, but tech moves slow
Only when it comes to ethics, don't you know?
When profits are concerned, the brakes won't ever show
[Chorus]
The algorithm knows you better than you know yourself
It scans your data, puts your biases upon the shelf
But bias is a human trait we cannot quite erase
So now we blame the mirror for the problems we embrace
[Bridge]
In Kansas, Kassi stands her ground
While diggers gather all around
Three thousand eight hundred football fields of server space
A digital brain for a digital race
It needs the power we're told to save
To catalogue the lives we gave
To store the cloud, to mine the coin
While rural America bears the join
[Guitar Solo - Clean, phasing sustain]
[Verse 3]
The Knicks are through to finals, New York sways
In joyous chaos, celebrating days
But Harden suffers from a distinct malaise
Denial so profound it's quite a maze
His team was better, even in defeat
A logic that the politicians meet
With open arms in Georgia's heated race
Where truth is just a flexible disgrace
[Verse 4]
The Justice Department fumbles in the dark
While grand juries refuse to leave their mark
The President rewards his loyal crew
And punishes his enemies—it's nothing new
A tin-pot strategy with expensive suits
While Ozempic offers genuine fruits
Cancer spread is slowing, we are told
A miracle of science, bright and bold
But diplomatic dithering carries on
As Iran's programme steadily dawns
[Chorus]
The algorithm knows you better than you know yourself
It scans your data, puts your biases upon the shelf
But bias is a human trait we cannot quite erase
So now we blame the mirror for the problems we embrace
[Outro]
The machines are learning, the data centres grow
Pope Leo whispers to the I.T. show
[Spoken] They're not listening, Your Holiness
The singularity approaches, sweet and slow
[Harmonium drone fades]