Just as the nation prepares to melt into a puddle of heat exhaustion, nature has kindly decided to throw in a diphtheria outbreak and a spot of Ebola for variety. British scientists are heroically rushing to develop a vaccine for a virus that hasn't quite reached us yet, proving that nothing motivates the research grants like a truly terrifying mortality rate. Meanwhile, the UN warns that global risk is 'low', which is exactly the sort of comforting bureaucratic phrasing one hears shortly before the zombies arrive. One might consider retreating to the Isle of Wight, assuming the bird flu hasn't got there first.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
The diphtheria came calling from the past
A death in Australia, the die is cast
Decades of forgetting what the vaccines did
Now the memory returns, no longer hid
The Congo basin holds its breath in fear
While Bundibugyo makes the message clear
No proven cure, the scientists must race
Against a nightmare we can not erase
[Chorus]
It's the buffet of existential threats
A curated selection of regrets
From tropical disease to British sun
The menu offers something for everyone
Doom-scrolling through the hazards of the day
While microbiology holds sway
[Verse 2]
The U.K. scientists are scrambling towards the trials
A thin veneer of hope in piles of files
Ebola's shadow stretches cross the map
While social media dismantles us with clap
The World Happiness Report explains it all
Our wellbeing crumbles as the influencers call
Jersey rebrands a syndrome with new tags
While somewhere in the chaos, humanity drags
[Chorus]
It's the buffet of existential threats
A curated selection of regrets
From tropical disease to British sun
The menu offers something for everyone
Doom-scrolling through the hazards of the day
While microbiology holds sway
[Bridge]
The Isle of Wight offers sanctuary now
Perhaps the restorative powers will allow
A moment's peace from viral, meme, and heat
Before the next disaster we will meet
Bird flu vaccines are trialled for the birds
While we absorb the-news-that-cannot-be-cured
[Mi-solo Guitar Interlude]
[Verse 3]
The British summer brings its annual warning
Not just Pimm's and sunburn, clearly something dawning
Heat exhaustion rising with the UV threat
Vigilance required lest we all forget
Whether fever in the Congo or the scrolling on your phone
The hazards simply will not leave us alone
[Chorus]
It's the buffet of existential threats
A curated selection of regrets
From tropical disease to British sun
The menu offers something for everyone
Doom-scrolling through the hazards of the day
While microbiology holds sway
[Outro]
Take a ticket, join the queue
The buffet's open, waiting for you
[Baritone Saxophone flourish]
Waiting for you
[Final cascading guitar arpeggio]