Sir Keir Starmer has discovered the ultimate solution to Britain’s problems: badgering TNT Sports to give away football for free, presumably because the nation’s morale needs a lift after watching Leinster get absolutley battered in Bilbao. While Bruno Fernandes nabs the Player of the Season award for successfully carrying Manchester United on his back, Charlton’s Sophie Whitehouse actually won something tangible by saving penalties. It was a day of harsh lessons in Spain, where Leinster and Ulster discovered that the only thing ‘fine’ about the margins in European rugby is the difference between a competitive match and a total thrashing. Elsewhere, Daizen Maeda might be leaving Celtic, but at least he signed off with a trophy, unlike the Irish provinces who left with nothing but jet lag and bruised egos.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
The Prime Minister's got priorities, he's got a plan
Between the briefings and the budgets, he's a busy man
He spots a crisis forming, something grave and dire
TNT's got paywall coverage, the nation's on fire
So he picks up the phone with a steady hand
Champions League for everyone across the land
Forget the shrinking economy, the waiting lists
Arsenal versus Paris is where justice exists
[Chorus]
Fifty-nine reasons to feel alone
Fifty-nine points between a dream and stone
In Bilbao the mountain grew too high to climb
And the green flag's waving for the very last time
Oh, the inquest starts on Monday morning light
But nothing's gonna make this weekend feel alright
[Verse 2]
Bruno takes the trophy with a humble bow
While the red side of Manchester wonders how
A Player of the Season in a mid-table side
Is proof that excellence can find a place to hide
But down in London there's a different tale
Sophie Whitehouse standing tall and pale
A penalty masterclass, the shootout queen
The best goalkeeper that the valley's ever seen
[Chorus]
Fifty-nine reasons to feel alone
Fifty-nine points between a dream and stone
In Bilbao the mountain grew too high to climb
And the green flag's waving for the very last time
Oh, the inquest starts on Monday morning light
But nothing's gonna make this weekend feel alright
[Bridge]
Bordeaux were brutal, Montpellier were mean
The provinces crumbled on the Spanish scene
Daizen got his farewell, a goal to say goodbye
While Irish rugby sat and wondered why
Fine margins, narrow losses, that's the tale they told
Now the scoreboard's screaming and the truth unfolds
[Guitar Solo]
[Verse 3]
Charlton's going up to the top tier's grace
While Leinster stare into empty space
Ulster's adding numbers to the sorry sum
A weekend that the emerald faithful want undone
The summer brings transfers and a healing breeze
But defeats like these don't disappear with ease
[Outro]
Fifty-nine reasons
Fifty-nine reasons
The inquest starts on Monday
But the points remain the same
Fifty-nine reasons
To forget your name