Inflation has plummeted to a giddy 2.8%, prompting immediate celebrations in the aisles of supermarkets that have absolutely no intention of capping the price of your morning toast. Meanwhile, the government has discovered a novel solution to the fuel crisis: simply watering down sanctions on Russian oil, because nothing says 'British values' quite like a strategic u-turn in the face of skyrocketing pump prices. Elsewhere, Arsenal have finally remembered how to win a trophy, the Mease river is cleaner than our political discourse, and a Sarah Ferguson-linked executive has been caught threatening staff with jail—honestly, it's just nice to see someone in that circle doing actual manual labour for once.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
Inflation dips to two-point-eight
A figure they celebrate
With pre-war subsidies in place
To save the nation's face
Voluntary caps on bread and milk
While budgets start to wilt
We ask the giants nicely, please
To bring us to our knees
[Pre-Chorus]
The Strait of Hormuz is closed today
So sanctions quietly slip away
We water down the blacklist now
To keep the engines running somehow
[Chorus]
This is the heatwave strategy
Polite requests and apathy
Write a letter to your M.P.
They'll file it deep where no one sees
productivity in degrees
Thirty-five is the corporate breeze
The heatwave strategy
[Instrumental Break]
[12-string guitar with heavy vibrato]
[Mellotron strings swell]
[Time signature shifts to 7/8]
[Verse 2]
Arsenal climb the table again
A victory for patient men
While DNA kits hit the bin
The snake oil merchants' latest sin
The nineties was a hedonistic fever dream
Now spreadsheet fatigue is the modern scream
The Trent Rivers Trust have cleaned a stream
A rare success, or so it seems
[Pre-Chorus]
But upstream something dark arrives
A figure with familiar eyes
He's waited twenty years or more
To kick down every open door
[Chorus]
This is the heatwave strategy
Polite requests and apathy
Write a letter to your M.P.
They'll file it deep where no one sees
productivity in degrees
Thirty-five is the corporate breeze
The heatwave strategy
[Bridge]
[Waterphone soundscape]
[Prepared piano dissonance]
The river Mease runs clean and clear
While accountability disappears
The profiteers are still right here
Emboldened by the changing year
We've rehabilitated waterways
But not the foulest of our days
The spectre looms and looks our way
And smiles at what the polls might say
[Outro]
[Tempo slows]
[Reverse tape effects]
Drink your water while it's cold
The future's looking rather old
Voluntary caps will hold, we're told
We're told
We're told
[Fade into drone]