In a weekend where accidental handballs are apparently just 'part of the fabric' and Xabi Alonso becomes Chelsea’s fourth manager since breakfast, one has to admire the sheer chaos of modern sport. England’s women continue to win everything in sight, providing a stark contrast to the men’s game where the only thing consistent is the lucrative turnover of underachieving coaching staff. Elsewhere, Marco Silva is playing the oldest contract game in the book, and MotoGP is reporting standings from 2011, suggesting the BBC’s copy-paste function is as reliable as a VAR decision. It’s all utterly preposterous, but at least the try-scoring was 'brilliant'.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Intro]
[Sound of vinyl crackle]
[Sampled dialogue] "The rules are simple. Or are they?"
[Acid synth squelch builds]
[Heavy breakbeat drums enter]
[Verse 1]
The ball hit the arm, or the arm hit the ball
It depends on the angle, the phase of the moon
Matheus Cunha stuck it in the back of the net
A moment of glory they'll never forget
But the handball law is a fur-lined teapot
A legal maze where the logic can rot
Mbeumo was there, or he wasn't, who knows?
Just another farce in theVAR pantomime shows
[Chorus]
And it stands, yes it stands
By the sweat of the brow and the luck of the hands
The physics are broken, the sense has been banned
It's the beautiful game in a very strange land
[Shout] Play on!
[Verse 2]
The merry-go-round spins in the boardroom haze
Another manager enters the money-mad maze
Xabi Alonso takes the poisoned chalice down
The third in a year at the Stamford Bridge town
Michael Carrick tries to steady the ship at the wheel
While Marco Silva plays the Drama King deal
Fulham on tenterhooks, waiting for word
The most boring saga that you've ever heard
[Bridge]
[Breakbeat drops out, acoustic guitar strums]
But up in Bordeaux, the Red Roses bloom
Eight times the winners, dispelling the gloom
Silencing crowds with a masterclass skill
While the admin desks struggle with basic tech skill
The B.B.C. time-travelled back to the past
MotoGP standings from seasons long passed
Stuck in twenty-eleven, a digital haze
While the women break records in a glorious blaze
[Verse 3]
[Breakbeat returns with 303 squelch]
Dublin was thrashing, a rugby fest night
But Scotland is mourning, a tragic old sight
Scott Hastings gone at sixty-one years
A legend remembered through the rage and the tears
The contrasts are stark in the weekend's events
From the highs of the victors to the admins' offense
So here's to the chaos, the farce, and the spin
Where the rules don't matter and the teams never win
[Chorus]
And it stands, yes it stands
By the sweat of the brow and the luck of the hands
The physics are broken, the sense has been banned
It's the beautiful game in a very strange land
[Shout] Offside!
[Outro]
[303 Acid riff to climax]
[Distorted Hammond organ swell]
[Sampled dialogue] "Game over."
[Fade to silence]