In a geopolitical twist that baffles map-readers everywhere, Australia has soared into the Eurovision final, proving that European borders are as flexible as the BBC's ethics when they subject contestants to stress tests for our amusement. While Gary Barlow finally admits to writing musical garbage and Drake drops three albums nobody asked for just to remind us he lost a fight, the search for the next James Bond trundles on with a roster ofGeneric White Males™. Meanwhile, Leicester Comedy Festival proves that the only thing funnier than the acts is the audacity to not pay them, and Tamzin Outhwaite reminds us that the only relationships that truly matter are the ones between British women and a good bargain bottle of Gucci perfume.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Intro]
[Filter opening slowly]
[Deep Hammond organ chords swelling]
[Verse 1]
She flew in from the southern hemisphere
To save a continent that wasn't hers
Now Europe's Got a new Messiah dear
Geography's a thing the fates obscure
The favourite's from the opposite side of earth
While our boy gets a stress test for his worth
The B.B.C. prepare him for the score
They train him for the dreaded nul points war!
[Chorus]
[Full Gospel Choir]
Nul points! Nul points!
That's the score we're handed down
Nul points! Nul points!
From Lisbon to the northern town!
Sing it like you mean it sister!
Nul points! Nul points!
When the votes come rolling in
Nul points! Nul points!
That's the state that we are in!
[Verse 2]
Three albums dropped to prove he's still around
Two years since he lost that famous fight
He's flooding every speaker in the town
Desperate to remind us of his might
The battle's done but he just won't retreat
He lost the war but still supplies the meat!
And elsewhere confession's all the rage
A ballad writer turns a different page
Admits he wrote the worst song of his age!
[Chorus]
[Full Gospel Choir]
Nul points! Nul points!
That's the score we're handed down
Nul points! Nul points!
From Lisbon to the northern town!
Sing it like you mean it sister!
Nul points! Nul points!
When the votes come rolling in
Nul points! Nul points!
That's the state that we are in!
[Bridge]
[Break down to filtered bass and tambourine]
Three handsome devils in the casting queue
They practice brooding faces for the screen
One suit to fill and nothing left to lose
The British press will eat them all by June!
A comedy festival that cannot pay
They're waiting on the money so they say
The punchline hits the comics in the face
While bargain perfume sells at discount rates!
[Filter sweep building]
[Choir builds]
[Chorus]
[Full throttle – strings soaring]
[Full Gospel Choir]
Nul points! Nul points!
That's the score we're handed down
Nul points! Nul points!
From Lisbon to the northern town!
Everybody now!
Nul points! Nul points!
When the votes come rolling in
Nul points! Nul points!
That's the state that we are in!
[Outro]
[Filter closing slowly]
Just forty quid for Gucci on your wrist
The only stable love that does exist
[Spoken] Can I get an amen?
[Choir] Amen!
Nul points...
[Fade with tambourine]