Britain in 2026: where the Chancellor can't remove a piss-stained urinal because it's got listed status, but unions reckon they can remove the Prime Minister with considerably less bureaucratic fuss. Liverpool fans are booing their title-winning manager while Action on Salt discovers that £8 sandwiches are trying to kill us faster than the hantavirus – though at least twenty-two people are leaving hospital, which is more than can be said for Keir Starmer's political prospects. Meanwhile, we're all confessing our deepest secrets to AI chatbots that snitch to courts, and people are hiring actors to recreate relationships with their exes. Perhaps we deserve that salty sandwich after all.
🎵 (s)Hit of the Day 🎵
Version 1
Version 2
📜 Lyrics 📜
[Verse 1]
The unions gather at the gate
To tell the Prime Minister it is far too late
They gave him money, they gave him time
Now they want him gone before the autumn chime
But Sir Keir stands in Number Ten
Vowing to govern again and again
A man so steadfast, so resolute
While every colleague finds a different route
[Chorus]
[Chamber Choir]
O Britannia, thy heritage calls
From the urinal pipe to the hallowed stalls
Where Churchill stood, the waters flow
A nation's pride in the overflow
We cannot move it, it is preserved
A golden stream that must be observed
Such is the weight of history's breath
We govern in the shadow of a plumber's meth
[Verse 2]
The Chancellor enters her new domain
To find a fixture she cannot drain
A urinal bolted to hallowed ground
Where Churchill's waters once made their sound
Now Rosie Holt has penned a play
To dramatise the plumbing of yesterday
For what is Britain, what is her soul?
A ceramic bowl on a heritage roll
[Verse 3]
At Arrowe Park, the hantavirus sleeps
Twenty-two souls in isolation deep
Released at last after seventy-two hours
While somewhere else, a tragedy flowers
Young Tyler Fairman on the ground
A car, a crowd, and a murder found
And Action on Salt would have us know
That posh sandwiches salt the soul below
[Bridge]
[Pipe Organ solo]
[Harpsichord phase shift]
[Verse 4]
The holiday bookings tumble down
Ten per cent lost as fears abound
The Iran war makes Britons stay
And OpenAI is in court today
Where Greg must read his diary's page
Confessing thoughts about the Tesla sage
Your chatbot friend, your trusted ear
Is witness for the prosecution here
And Diana hires an actor's face
To recreate her ex's embrace
Three months to stage a phantom kiss
Is that art, or is it something amiss?
[Chorus]
[Chamber Choir]
O Britannia, thy heritage calls
From the urinal pipe to the hallowed stalls
Where Churchill stood, the waters flow
A nation's pride in the overflow
We cannot move it, it is preserved
A golden stream that must be observed
[Verse 5]
The Letby inquiry delays again
The third deferral, the same refrain
Institutional failure knows no side
It crosses the floor with arms open wide
And Liverpool fans with banner and song
Ask if one season is far too long
A manager leaving, a title defence
Is cause for existential suspense
[Outro]
[Celesta]
The cabinet splits, the MPs rebel
The urinal stays, and all is not well
A nation governed by fixture and pipe
O save us, O save us
From this baroque type
[Chamber Choir fade]
Amen